Saturday, December 29, 2012

My Conversation with Captain Obvious

My company is big on camaraderie.  We are always having large group meetings, Town Halls, United Way events, Ice Cream Socials, etc etc.  Sometimes, these events come with required clothing.  Matching required clothing. 
The last company event involving matching shirts had to be picked up in the cafeteria one day over lunch.  One of the girls on my team was out of the office that day and asked me to pick up hers.  Sure thing, no problem.  Now, I’m not a small woman, I’m not huge, but I’m not small either.  But my co-worker…is tiny.  And when I say tiny, I mean she is 4’10” and weighs about 90 pounds soaking wet…TINY. 

So I walk up to the table and ask for a shirt in ex-small.  As I watch the girl walk towards the boxes behind the table, I make eye contact with a man standing next to me.  I smile and he says to me “You’re not a small”.  Now my first reaction to this statement was bewilderment. 
Did he really just say that?  Did he really just call me fat?  Am I really going to end up in Human Resources today because I’m about to deck this guy?
Then the look on his face registered.  He was genuinely confused.  He honestly didn’t understand why I would be asking for an ex-small shirt.  He thought he was doing me a FAVOR by pointing out the fact that I’m not a small woman.  Well thank you Captain Obvious for making sure I knew this about myself, and that was pretty much when the filter turned off between my brain and my mouth. 

Here’s how the conversation went:
Captain Obvious: “You’re not a small.”

Me:  “Really?  Are you sure?”
Captain Obvious:  “But a small isn’t going to fit you.”  (see, this is where the true social ineptitude of a genius shines through)

Me:  “Oh I don’t know. I thought I could wear it as a tube top.”
Captain Obvious:  “But how are you going to wear that?”  (sometimes it’s just too easy.)

Me:  “Well I thought maybe my dog could wear it for me.”
Captain Obvious:  “But you can’t bring a dog to work.”  (and now it just becomes sad)

Me:  “Sure I can, I have a permit.” 
And then I smile sweetly and walk away.  Leaving Captain Obvious to mull that one over for awhile.

They’re rocket scientist…not game show hosts.